This entry is going to be pretty long but its good stuff man so take the time to read... Just finished guard duty came across this from a member of a Tuesday Grp (kinda like a cell with people of all walks)
Secrets of adultery � how to seduce someone else's husband
One Tuesday evening, I sat down for food before Tuesday Group and the conversation was on the conversation of the last Tuesday Group Men's/Women's fellowship.
Seems that there was a somewhat spirited discussion on whether women who dressed in a fashion that affected men "biologically" (Come on, don't make me spell it out for you people. I am married and have 2 kids, but I still blush easily!) were doing so deliberately for the sake of ego trips, to know that they had that kind of power over guys.
I'd like to share something a little different, from a different slant, as it were. You see, when I was bumming around (the spiritual ones will call it my "wilderness experience") I would help my mum out with her law practice. One thing that I had to do was ! to serve divorce papers on people.
For those of you who don't know, when a person decides to petition for divorce, divorce papers (containing the reasons for seeking divorce, proposed parenting arrangements and all that kind of stuff) are served (delivered, in plain English) on the other person. And if the petitioner is seeking divorce because of adultery, they will often name the other woman (or man) involved and the divorce papers are served on them too.
Ready for the shocking discovery? As I actually met women responsible for breaking up marriages and families, I discovered that in almost all the cases, THEY WERE UGLIER THAN THOSE MEN'S WIVES!
Now I used to be a big fan of a marriage counseling book on the different needs of men and women ("How to affair-proof your marriage" it claims) but this threw the theories of that book out the window. "God, teach me what on earth is going on here!"
People, precious brothers and sisters of Tuesday Group, listen up to what I am going to share now. Brothers, if you know this you have one more layer of defense against falling in love with the wrong women.
Sisters, if you understand what I'm gonna share next, you have the power to break up marriages by causing married men to fall deeply in love with you, even if their wives are ravishing beauties.
Of course, I'd rather you use the information to keep your own future husbands deeply in love with you and secure your own marriages, OK?
What I found was this. Men have two very deep, very primal emotional needs. Women who choose to meet these needs become irresistible to men. The needs are:
1) to feel happy with who they truly are when they are with a woman
2) to know that this woman is truly happy when she is with them.
But what usually happens after marriage?
The dude comes home after a hard day's work. The first words out of his wife's mouth are "Do you know what YOUR son did today?" followed by a torrent of complaints about whatever the little tyke broke, tore and smashed that day.
(As a side note, one of my ex-church leaders once said "Ever notice that when the son does something good the wife calls him "our son" and when he does something bad it's "YOUR son?")
And when it comes to Sunday morning, it usually gets worse. The wife is usually the first one up. She'll lovingly prepare breakfast, help pack the kid's stuff and all that.
Then barge into the bedrooms of the rest of the family yelling at them that they're gonna be late for church. Don't know about you, but I'd rather get less sleep by waking up in a gentler fashion than to get an extra hour but wake up with my heart pounding, frantically groping for my bullet-proof vest, japanese sword and gas mask because I thought we were under some terrorist attack. How about you?
And after that the wife feels so frustrated and pissed off at why everyone else in the family is grumpier than her even though they got more sleep than she did�
By the way, in case you're wondering, NO, Rachel doesn't do that to me, OK? ;-)
To the dude, married life is a series of minor catastrophies. He is fighting fires day-by-day and he gets tired. This, ladies, is a dangerous situation.
But it's even more dangerous if there are issues that need to be worked out. If the wife is unhappy with the dude over his job, or his pay, or his hobby. And she regularly makes it known by complaining or nagging at him about it. And he gets even more tired.
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Pro 21:9)
Hey sisters, let me tell you something. When we dudes look at you and decide that we wanna have a dating/courtship relationship with you, we usually are looking out for red-flags, warning signs that tell us the future problems we're gonna have with you when we get married.
And if we actually propose to you, we do so knowing your problems and hang-ups. We look at them and say "Hey, I can live with them." And we foolishly shrug our shoulders and assume that you ladies look at our problems and hang-ups in the same way too, that if you agree to marry us you're cool with who we really are, warts and all.
That's why, sisters, nagging and complaining about us hits us so badly. It hits us at our core emotional need for acceptance. If the woman I love and choose to spend the rest of my life with is so dissatisfied with me, there must be something really wrong with me. How then can I be happy with being who I really am?
"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife." (Pro 21:19) Current equivalents would be sleeping in the void deck of the HDB flat or dozing off at the park bench at a nearby reservoir.
By the way, guys, this also applies to women. I had this conversation with a beautiful, intelligent and charming lady. She is a master organizer and planner, and what I am with music is what she is with languages. Hardly the candidate for poor self-esteem.
She married a man 10 years older than her biologically (but around my son Jessiah's age emotionally). Now, she's basically cool with it (lovingly calling her husband her BIG baby) but on the occasions when he starts displaying his emotional age he would really tear her down
And she would be down. So I asked her once why on earth she allowed her overgrown baby's wrong opinions of her affect her. She replied "because he's my life partner, a part of me. If I reject his opinion of me, I am also rejecting myself." It's hard for me to explain, but those who have been where she has been will understand. It's kinda like rejection from parents, you know, if the people who brought me into this world think I'm lousy, I must be lousy.
And at this point, any woman who can meet our core needs is gonna affect us powerfully. Hey, it may not even grow to the point of adultery. But doesn't it offend your very sensibilities that it's another woman who makes your husband feel good about being himself, and not YOU?
And if this other woman is genuinely happy when she's with your husband, he's gonna look at her seriously. Even if he's still loyal to you, if he's gotta choose between spending time with you (and hearing you nag) or spending time with her (watching her smile and laugh) who do you think he's gonna choose?
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was free like me?"
- Pussycat Dolls, "Don't cha"
And don't let the marriage vow deceive you into thinking you can get away with emotionally abusing your husband. I had to confront this woman who discovered that her husband, a serious believer, loving father and a husband with a heart of servanthood, fell in love with another woman. It was only his love for God and his children that kept him from actually committing adultery with her.
I had to be the one who told her "If you've been threatening him with divorce at every quarrel (from within the first 3 months of marriage) and constantly telling him how marrying him has totally ruined your future, your hopes, your dreams and your life, how do you think he's gonna feel about anyone who's happy when she's with him?"
Beloved sisters of Tuesday group, I plead with you, don't ever let your marriage go there. Because you know after every quarrel he's wondering why he married you instead of her. He'll be wondering how much longer he can put up with this. And he's gonna be praying "God, deliver me from this marriage!"
Yah, I know this is a super-long and heavy post. So let me sum up quickly.
"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" Ephesians 5:33
Guys, please recognize the power of the two needs I mentioned. You need a woman who makes you happy to be who you really are. And who is truly happy when she's with you. This is the type of woman you WILL love as you love yourself.
On your side the responsibility is this: NEVER commit yourself to a woman who doesn't fulfill these needs, or even worse, is dragging you down in this two areas.
I don't care if she's a pastor, super-model or worship-leader, I don't care how many church meetings, prayer meetings or bible-studies she goes to each week, I don't care how much she's "improved" (God, that word makes me cringe to the very core of my being!) since you first got to know her.
If she makes you unhappy about being you, or you can't see regular evidence that she's happy when she's with you (and don't lie to yourself guys), leave her.
Now.
Because it may be that this woman is unable to fulfill your core needs because of who she is as a person. And if you put her in a position where she HAS to fulfill them even though she can't, you are not being fair to her, putting on her a burden she can't carry.
And if you meet a woman fulfills all these needs for you, recognize this: she's like water to a thirst you may never realized you had. So before you totally lose all ability for rational thought, get a couple of good brothers-in-Christ to check her out and look out for danger signs that you're most probably gonna miss, because you're too deeply in love.
And sisters, when you look for a husband, I plead with you, don't just look for a godly man. Seriously, they abound (just turn up for Tuesday Group!). Look for a man for whom you fulfill these needs just by being you.
Because if you can fulfill those needs, you WILL respect your husband, as God commands. Effortlessly. It takes genuine respect for who your husband truly is as a person to make him happy to be himself when he's with you. And to be happy when you're with him.
Junk the angmo-nised cookie cutter approach to relationships and marriage that you'll get by browsing the Christian bookshops. The books that get sold there make you believe that marriage is meant to be hard work, and you need to learn 5 love languages, 5 needs of men and women and go through one year of devotionals on becoming soul mates.
After all the experiences I've been through and all the relationships and marriages I've seen, I can honestly tell you from the depths of my heart, if you're not soul mates to begin with, you won't be even after going through all those books, seminars and message CDs.
Finally, brothers and sisters, spend lots of time in God's presence. Because through the blood of Christ he's given you a darn good reason to be happy with who you truly are as a person and he's overjoyed whenever you're with him. And when you get used to having those two needs met by God, you'll recognize it when you meet that special someone who'll meet those needs for you.
yeah tell me what you think..
Tired Ash going to frisbee
